What You Need to Know Before Exchanging Marriage Vows

The thought and excitement of getting married to that person of your dream have actually become a blindfold to a very important question “What do you need to know before exchanging marriage vows”?

Marriage is a divine institution ordained by God. According to Wikipedia, Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally and often legally recognized union between people called spouses. It establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws.

God designed marriage for humanity. As first described in (Genesis 2:24, ESV) and later affirmed by Jesus, marriage is a God-ordained, covenant relationship between a man and a woman. This lifelong, sexually exclusive relationship brings children into the world and thus sustains the stewardship of the earth.

How I perceived marriage as a young child

It is funny how our perception of things changes over time. For example, as a young child, I thought marriage was about this mysterious thing called “love.” Love was a noun, and whether you had it or not was dependent on whether you checked “yes” or “no.”

As an adolescent, I thought marriage was how you had children — the inevitable next step in adulthood (but come to find out there is more to it than just marriage!). In secondary school, I thought marriage was about the emotion of love — the poetry, the love songs, the warm, fuzzy feelings.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It involves a lot of sacrifices and takes two mature adults to build a strong and healthy home. It is not for the faint-hearted. And oftentimes, most people confuse marriage for a wedding. A wedding is the ceremony of getting married. While marriage is the contract itself. People will plan your wedding for you but the responsibility of managing your marriage is yours. 

Therefore, before going into this contract with this person, before exchanging marriage vows, there are several important aspects to consider and things to know. Here are some key points:

Commitment and readiness: Marriage is a lifelong commitment, so it's essential to ensure that both partners are ready and fully committed to sharing their lives together. Consider your emotional readiness, compatibility, shared values, and goals for the future. 

Are you ready to commit your life, emotion, time, money, love, and all it may take to build a sustainable marriage? As a man, are you ready financially? Have you sharpened your patience level to be able to handle a nagging wife(if the need arises)? Is the size of your apartment compatible with a family? What about you as a woman? Are you ready to commit your body to this man for the rest of your life? Are you ready to submit to this man regardless of his status? What role(s) would you play to support your husband on the homefront? These are vital questions you need to ask and give answers to before going into marriage.

Communication: Strong and open communication is vital in any relationship. It is important to have honest and effective communication with your partner about your expectations, needs, and concerns. Make sure you can openly discuss your thoughts and feelings with each other. Communicate your fears, worries, concerns, interest, and the opportunities that may arise in your marriage. Answer some essential questions like: Where would you like to settle after marriage? How many kids would you like to have(specify whether male or female), What kind of school would you like your kids to attend? What are your plans for the first 5 years of your marriage? To mention but a few. Read more insightful details on communication in a relationship

Compatibility and shared values: It's crucial to have a foundation of compatibility and shared values with your partner. This includes having similar beliefs, priorities, and aspirations for life, family, finances, and other important aspects of your shared future. 

I ended a relationship of 6 years on the verge of getting married because of some of the factors mentioned above. I could practically see the dangers that await me if I had married that fellow. Thank God I was courageous enough to pull out of that eternal bondage, and today, I am having a blissful marriage and this is because my hubby and I share the same values and we are compatible.

In order to examine compatibility and shared values in your partner, you may have to study the person’s likes and dislikes as well as strengths and weaknesses. Once you have achieved these, compare them to yours and come up with a decision as to whether you can spend the rest of your life with this person or not. Also, note that it is advisable to settle with someone whose strengths are more than their weaknesses, and in turn, their strengths should compensate for your weaknesses and vice versa.

It hurts how some people literally walk into a horrible marriage all in the name of ‘he will change’ or ‘she will change’. The truth is, you can not change a person, you can only try to influence that person, and if the person has a stronger hold on you, they end up influencing you instead. This nullifies the essence of courtship which gives you the opportunity to understudy your partner and determine if he/she is right for you.

Family planning: If you plan to have children, it's important to discuss your expectations and plans for family planning. This includes discussing how many children you want to have, and when you want to have them.

Finances: Money matters can significantly impact a marriage. Discuss your financial situations, including income, debts, spending habits, and long-term financial goals. Create a plan for managing finances together and ensure you are on the same page regarding budgeting, saving, and financial responsibilities. This helps in building a strong financial base in the home.

Conflict resolution: Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. Before marriage, it's important to understand how you and your partner handle conflicts and disagreements. Developing healthy conflict resolution skills and being willing to work through challenges together is crucial for a successful marriage. 

Before marriage, my hubby and I came up with a formula for how to resolve conflict when it surfaces. We agreed not to sleep over a misunderstanding. We would bring the matter to the table and iron it out before the day runs out and we agreed to say “I am sorry” regardless of who is wrong or right. You may want to ask; does this always work? Emphatically No! But it serves as a model for resolving conflicts and cutting off third-party interference in our marital issues.

Family and social dynamics: Consider the impact of your families and social circles on your relationship. Understand each other's expectations regarding involvement with extended family, traditions, and other social commitments. Discuss how you will navigate these dynamics and ensure you have a shared understanding. 

I remembered my hubby and I agreed before marriage not to have any extended family members live with us__ but they can come to visit and we can extend alms from afar. We also agreed not to have a maid, instead, we would employ someone or an organization that will handle some domestic chores part-time. You may also want to talk about how much should be allocated to your parents based on your income flow. Would you like to sponsor any of your relatives' education? Who and why? It is very essential to discuss issues that involve extended family as this is a sensitive aspect and should be handled with wisdom. 

Personal growth and support: A strong marriage allows for individual growth and supports each partner's personal aspirations. Discuss your individual goals, career plans, and personal development, and make sure you are supportive of each other's ambitions. 

There is this saying that “behind every successful man is a woman” and I believe this statement should cut across. When you have someone that supports you, encourages and guides you in life, you feel motivated to go and achieve the impossible knowing fully well that there is a strong force behind you.

Intimacy and affection: Physical and emotional intimacy are important components of a healthy marriage. Discuss your expectations, desires, and boundaries regarding affection, intimacy, and sex. Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other's needs and preferences. 

Any serious and prepared person should go into a marriage with expectations. Your expectations could be how you want to build a strong family name. Or how you want to raise a generation of billionaires. Discuss these expectations and desires as this will go a long way to exposing the kind of mindset your partner has. Talk about things that irritate you and that you can not stand. I heard of a marriage that got dissolved because one of the spouses farted. Talk about your likes; what are the things that thrill you and arouse you sexually? 

When matters like these are discussed before marriage, it paints a very clear picture of where you are heading as a couple and makes the journey much easier for you.

Legal considerations: Understand the legal implications of marriage, including matters such as property rights, inheritance, and decision-making authority. Consider whether a prenuptial agreement is necessary or desired. 

What is a prenuptial agreement? A prenuptial agreement is a written contract created by two people before they're married. Typically, a prenup lists all of the property each person owns and debts they owe, and it spells out each person's property rights during the marriage and in the event that they later get divorced. Knowing the legal rights that bind a marriage before getting married will give you a clear insight.

Pre-marriage counseling: Consider attending pre-marriage counseling to help you and your partner prepare for a successful marriage. This can be especially helpful if you have different cultural backgrounds or religious beliefs.

Wedding and ceremony: Finally, plan your wedding and ceremony together, ensuring that it reflects your values and preferences as a couple. Discuss the level of formality, location, guest list, and other important details that are meaningful to both of you. Don’t try to follow the trend, do what suits your trend based on the points earlier discussed.

Conclusion

Remember, this list is not exhaustive, and every relationship is unique. It's essential to have open and honest conversations with your partner, seeking professional guidance if needed, to ensure a strong foundation for your marriage.

By keeping these important factors in mind, you can ensure that you and your partner are fully prepared to exchange your marriage vows and build a strong and fulfilling life together.